Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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