I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
