I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
