I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
