I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize