Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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