one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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