Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
