my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
