giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I will be naked everywhere
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
