i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
