Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
