Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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