Don't make out with my wife yet
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
