your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
