it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
well you can't waste a boner
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You pole danced in your parka.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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