Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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