I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
