she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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