just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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