god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
