I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
