we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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