8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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