One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
