Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
