My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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