Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
