foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
i want to swaddle you in tequila
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
