she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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