I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm passing your future prison.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
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