My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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