Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
