i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
