I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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