i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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