This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Randomize
