You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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