His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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