...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
