The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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