so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I want you more than these girls want KFC
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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