This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
