pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
