Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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