It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
You are a genius and a whore.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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