Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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