I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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