there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
And then my night got REAL pukey
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize