Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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