I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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