i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I had to cum in my sink.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
