i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
