If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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