i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
