I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
