he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
