Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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