im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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