I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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