You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
jump out the window naked night went bad
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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