it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
