I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
