Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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