Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
